Tears fall, but not the wall

BITCHY L

Happy Birthday Lauren Chee Fang Qin aka Queen of Mu Gou (: Awww, finally you're 16!! <3 LIKE AFTER SO LONG SO LONG. AND YOU HAVE NO NEED TO BE FULL OF ENVY SEEING ME GO INSIDE NC16 MOVIE WITHOUT ANY GUILT AND WORRIES <3 hehehehe. I'm so glad that you enjoyed today's lunch although it can be counted as tea time hahahaha!! I hope you love the presents!! ): Sorry, we can't buy something fun for you ): But we still hope you enjoyed today!!

Thanks for always being there for me. Most importantly, thank you. Thank you for always making me laugh and smile without doing anything but just giving me memories. I always smile and laugh at songs title, "WATCH ME BURN" HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. OMG. and "Superbass" I WAS BASICALLY LAUGHING AT MYSELF DURING BUS RIDE> HAHAHAHA. OMG THANKS FOR ALWAYS MAKING ME LAUGH LIKE SOME CRAZY BITCH.



I love you xoxo. WE WILL AND MUST STAY IN CONTACT OKAY. IF NOT I KILL YOU HOR

Sweet 16th Baby L

Happy Birthday Lauren Chee <3 <3 <3 I love you babe. For being there for me everytime I need someone and how you always manage to make me smile and laugh like some mad girl everyday <3 Know that you're special <3 Love you xoxo


Shall continue tomorrow. I'm so sleepy and need to meet Jessi at 0930 for braces :B

My day is mad. Every day (:

Annoying

Isn't it saddening and frustrating when you thought you are already okay, and somebody says, "you are not" It isn't annoying or something. It just make u feel that your efforts are all wasted.

Few more

Just a few more steps to go.

Like a boss

Harry Potter was wicked!! But Snape and Dumbledore died ): Sigh, Freddie too ): I only cried at Ron crying over Freddie, that was really sad. The way Ron cried ): it's like ...



and Harry potter pwn Voldemort, just because of a wand like....

Next, I shall start borrowing Harry Potter's book like some despo girl. Only the last part people :3 only the last part :3 hehehe shall post more tomorrow!!

See y'all. (;



Xoxo

Amazing

I'm glad everyday. I'm glad I am smiling and laughing everyday of my life.



Tomorrow's harry potter. I'm so eggcited <3 hehehehe (this is the reason u cannot talk to Lauren too much. INFLUENCE) Hahahaha AND I GOT AN ALIEN BROTHER = ALEX TAY ZI HAO AH HAHAHHAA He damn funny hahaha but can be extremely mean sometimes :( GRR, annoying sia him! Hahaha but anyway, THANKS BROTHER ^_^v You make my day somehow :3 hahahaha


I realise something, sometimes, people are more than what they seem to be

);

Friends in secondary school, they are your precious gift of all. The most precious gift that you never want to lose, or give it away.

I hope, when I graduate, I will still keep in touch with my friends. They makes me who I am today, I am glad I came to Broadrick. Because of them, my life changed. (: I think during Graduation day, I'm going to cry like shit. ): I really hate leaving them ): They are like the sunshine in my life.

I hope we can have more gatherings after we leave broadrick. I will miss you all. Surely.


I can't imagine life with new friends...a life without you all

Drained

My energy is all drained. I don't want to type long. I have to prepare for my interview at TP tomorrow.

I pray for smooth-sailing words.

When you found people/friends that bring the best out of you, when you found people that makes you wear a smile on your face.


They are the ones worth keeping

Effective much

MT O level listening compre was an easy one. The answers are right in front of my eyes, and I'll be a fool to choose the wrong one. No offence okay T_T But come on, it's the end of MT O level paper. Next, wait for 11 Aug, for the grand finale.... Results O_O!!!

Hahahaha well, I went to esplanade library to study alone (: woah, it was very effective. The environment is so quiet until you can hear the air con sound, but I was plugging in all the way, so I didn't hear one damn thing Hahaha. Then TP, Leisure and Resort management called me O_O I WAS LIKE OMG OMG OMG, I GOT INTO DPA. I'm sorry I talked in the library T_T But I can't possibly hang up the call that determines my future T_T I GOT INTO DPA AND I'M GOING FOR AN INTERVIEW <3 <3 OMG I AM SO HAPPY.


I realise something, this year may have happened a lot of unhappy stuffs, but much more better things came along.
Firstly, I found my true friends and got close to my classmates
Secondly, I got nominated for the Goh Chok Tong NextGen Outstanding leadership award
Thirdly, I told people about things that I am afraid that they will judge, but yet, they didn't, instead, they accept it and loves the way I am (:
LASTLY, OMG, I GOT INTO DPA WHEN I TYPED SO LITTLE AT THE RECOMMENDING MYSELF THAT PART T_T OMG I AM BLESSED. I AM LUCKY. I LOVE THIS WORLD. <3


Well, you see, as long as you got the correct perspective of life, many good things can happen to you too <3 I finally realise this quote, "When some good things are gone, some other better things come along" <3 OMG OMG OMG I TOTALLY GONNA STRIVE HARD FOR O LEVELS. BECAUSE THAT PERSON AT TP, SAID I GOT GOOD RESULTS FOR MY SEC 3 EOY, when I got C6 for my pure sciences. T_T But she also mentioned about my sec 4 MYE, dragged down, by ALOT. ):

WORK HARD EILEEN POH. WORK FUCKING HARD

Dedication

This post, will be dedicated to my friends, to those who were always there. To those, who never left.


This year ain't a very smooth year for me. I experienced a lot. I think I am repeating this post but it doesn't matter. I would like to express my gratitude here.

Firstly, thanks for being with me, through thick and thin, when my life got fucked, when my heart got broken, thanks to all my friends who stayed by my side to encourage me to stay strong and to carry on with life. To have strength to overcome all the obstacles I face. \

Secondly, thank you all for the listening ear that you have gave me. All of you are awesome people that always tell me that it isn't going to be easy, and what I need is time. One day, I will shine, and someone will come and appreciate me for who I am.

Thirdly, Thanks for the laughters and smiles that you all have given me when I thought I lost it. I found back the laughter that I missed, I found the genuine and beautiful smile that I have lost. I compared pictures last time when I'm with him, and pictures without him. I can see a lot of differences. I can feel the difference in the smile. Not that I am not happy when I'm with him, but the happiness now, is different. It's filled with freedom, fun and most importantly, myself. Thank you for making me feel more confident, more beautiful. You all make me love myself, even more.


Lastly, it is the most important that has ever happen to me. Thanks for telling me to be myself. If it's not because of all of you, I might have never find myself at all. I might be still trying to be somebody I'm not. I found myself. I found what my source of happiness, and what "Do not rely only on one person to give you happiness when there's others out there who can give you much more happiness that you deserve" really means. Thank you Rafe. I truly understand this now. Thank you Zhihong, for counselling me. Telling me this, "Do not even let him invade your thoughts" and Karl's "clear your eyes, clear your mind", Ferland's "we accept the love we think we deserve" and what KK has said, "let go of the anger. The anger of you losing to some other girl. the anger about him, going back on his words"

Thank you papa, mama. Thanks for talking to me about letting go and telling me about your own love life. Thanks for telling me to let go. To move on. To remember that life has been predestined. Thanks for telling me that I will find someone someday. It's just a matter of time. Thanks for hugging me when I am crying. Thanks for always being there for me.


For now, here are the people who I want to really really thank:

Jocelyn
Ferland
Lauren
Aye Hsu
Rafe
Boon Chua
Louise
Brennan
Karl
Kenneth Koh
Jessi
Alex
Andrea
Jasmin
Denise
Zoe
Cass
Father
Mother
and many more.

If you're reading this, and sorry if your name isn't mentioned, but just know, thank you <3 I will pray for every one of you to be happy everyday, a healthy life, and everything will be safe for you.

To those who left, I'm sorry I am not enough to keep you, but sorry, I guess, you're never meant to stay in my life. Just a lesson, just an experience, just a memory. For me, I chose to forget. Because that's the way to be happy I guess. For now. I may say it's impossible, but I'm trying to overcome the impossible. (: I will never let my heart waver, I will stand firm on my ground, continue looking forward. I want to thank you for your departure and your despair in our relationship. You make me found who are my true friends, you say I don't need them, but I'm sorry. They are important in my life. They are the reason of who I am today. (:

Well, Darren Lim, be happy for what you have now. Don't fucking regret. Well, I didn't fucking regret leaving you. You gave up this relationship first. You let go first. Remember that (: If you ever see this, well, let me tell you this, I'm putting behind the love I have for you, I'm putting the behind the love you have for me, I'm putting the scars and broken pieces behind. I'm putting the memories behind. You were once worth it. Not anymore. I'm walking away. I'm walking forward, never looking back. You are nobody but a stranger now. Someone I never really knew.


And hell yeah, I'm fucking awesome.

Clear your eyes, Clear your mind


Never ever let him invade your mind, especially your heart.


Okay, I think I brought trouble to myself. -.- WHY IN THE FUCK DO I INVITE HIM TO THE GATHERING. BUT IT'S OKAY. TEST TEST (: BUT WORRYING THAT I WILL GO BACK AND ME, WASTING MY EFFORTS ARE JUST MAKING MYSELF WORRY FOR NOTHING. I MUST BELIEVE I CAN DO IT, BECAUSE I CAN (:

Glad

Don't you feel glad when you found friends that never judge you because of what you do? Even if they know all your weird stuffs, they still accepts the way you are? Because you are who you are?

I always thought that this habit of mine is weird, like it makes me a freak. That's what my father says too. He said, "You'll be mocked in school for your eyebrow" Yes I did. I knew. I always escape questions like, "what happened to your eyebrow?" I'll just smile and walk away, ignoring. Or worse, I'll lie. Lie to hide my secret, to not let people see the ugly side of me. But this time I'm different, I'll just spit out what happen. Know why? 

I found friends who stick by my side through thick and thin when my life gets fucked up. They were there for me when I thought only he will be there. I was wrong. I have true friends, that never really judge me of what I do. I'm glad. I'm glad my life got fucked up, because from this, I know who are my real friends. They are the ones who were always there for me. Yet, I was so blind, so blind to see that they are always there to support me.

I'm sorry, my friends. Thanks for the support and encouragement that you've given me, it really helped me go through this hurdle. You all helped a lot. Although I know I'm annoying, repeating the same thing, when I should be getting over and moving on. I'm sorry but thanks for tolerating me, and your continuous encouragement always. You all are always my strength to move forward and my reason for smiling everyday (: Thank you :D

Time, please help me ):

Lauren said, she saw D&D, at parkway, holding hands crossing the road.


My heart skipped a beat, I don't know why. But I don't feel sad or anything. I told myself what my friends told me to.

"Clear your eyes, clear your mind"
"Do not let him invade your thoughts. AT ALL"


All these, helped me. I guess it's normal that I felt this way. Right? Don't ask me why I still haven't forget him or why am I still affected by them. Put yourself in my shoes, and you will realise how hard and how difficult it is to move on. Yes I had moved on, but there's one part of me that still holds on, that particular part of me that needs to let go.

Time, please help me. I really need your help. I want to live my everyday happily without anybody from my past to ruin it. I wish for your help. Please.......

Fear

I'm always scared of what people says of me, what people look at me, what people comment about me. Yes, I'm a self conscious girl. A serious one too. If you look at me while talking, I will think that you're probably talking about me, and it's something bad. I will start to wonder what wrong have I done, Have I been irritating? Am I being bitchy? Am I being a flirt if I got close to a boy?Are they talking about how ugly I look because of my eyebrows? Sigh, self esteem

I don't know. All these fears, are driving me mad. I pray, I hope for one day to be free from all these self-conscious ideas. I really hate myself for caring what people say about me. But I just can't help it. Sometimes, the comments are just to harsh. Too harsh for me to handle. But I have to stand strong. Stand firm to keep myself from falling for those idiots' comments

Hope

Okay, Harry Potter. I can't wait till Saturday. I don't mind watching it on weekdays, after school, but I have to go library and study like a nerd 8) Need to catch up on my science and maths!! ):

Okay, and so, I will have to go home late every night because I need to focus outside home. It's hard to study at home, it's like equivalent to NOT studying at all..


Sigh, met some friendship problems, so fucking stressed up. But I can't possibly start pestering and make her more irritated or something. Sigh, what can I do? ): I'll just wait for her to cool down then ); I hope I can save this friendship.

Just wait till I watch Harry Potter Karl, I will attack your Transformer language with my spells. Don't jelly

Pillar of strength

I have my strong pillar of strength.




They are my friends (:

I'll be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper

For some reasons

When I see your name online, my heart skips a beat. Why am I feeling this way when I have decided to stop looking back and look towards the future? ):

I hate myself sometimes you know. Even tumblr is making me to have second thoughts. I hate it. But I have to keep my heart safe, I have to heal, in order to love again. This time, I'll listen to my heart. On whether it's right or wrong. But if, for your case, I'll listen to my mind. Not heart anymore. You broke it, remember?



I just have to tell myself this:

If I could be this happy.

Today was a bit boring at first, but was so fun at the back.

Went out at 1+, heading to Kembangan to meet Kianyong and gang for LAN. Hahaha they were late in the end, and so, Ferland and me went to eat Prata and I can say, not bad not bad. Then when I went into the LAN, it was so freaking dark, and so, I thought, "damn shit, I can't study already ):" But I watched the boys play anyway. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN 10 PEOPLE OR EVEN 12 PLAYING THE SAME GAME? They were playing DOTA at first, then they changed to Counterstrike, a game which you shoot people and the boys are like shouting all the vulgarities when they are dead.

AIYO, IT'S JUST A GAME... WHY SO SELIUS? Hahahaha but they are so cute, especially Kianyong, he's the one with the most actions. Zhihong was the loudest walao.. Brennan was the most quiet one. They changed to L4D2, LIKE FINALLY. PHEW. Some played as the survivors and some played the enemies (zombies obvious) well, the zombies died faster than I thought. Hahaha but the problem is they revive in 19 seconds -.- into a different kind of zombie, WOW.. I was so cold and bored cause Ferland left to meet Alvis. And so, I waited for 1 hour for them to finish off and went for dinner. Had Mee Goreng, cause I wasn't that full, having the fact that I ate one packet of chips at the LAN. LOL, then Abel and me started talking about camp rock and songs because I showed, "Whatever Major Loser" to brennan. We mentioned about the song "Unbeautiful by Lesley Roy" and then Abel said, "Alex's favourite" We called Alex and told him about it and he was like, "Fucking nice right, *points at me*" and I nod like some idiot ._.  It was interesting though!! Hahahaha

Walked a long lane of houses. I CAN SEE THE TOH TWINS HOUSE AND ZHIHAO'S HOUSE, WHICH IS JUST BESIDE EACH OTHER. HAHAHAHA SAW SOPHIA'S HOUSE TOO! Damn class. ): So envy but it was so scary if you walked there alone. It was so long and we nearly got lost T_T but eventually went to PP and started Pool.

I was so noob at pool. Brennan and Zhihong are all plo-fessional. Then when I missed my shot, which apparantly was an easy one, I am so -_-" I feel guilty and lost all shame and I think I embarassed them :X Then had some game, and Zhihong and Brennan began tutoring me. I SHALL NAME THEM MY SHI FU. BUT BRENNAN REMAINS AS JELLYFISH KOALA.. SAD SIO.... I realised where my problem was. My stability due to the shakiness of my right hand, screw it.. and the way I hold my stick, as in the way I place it. Walao, so freaking noobshit la me. Even Kian wee, first time player can play better than I do. KIAN YONG ALSO. Ohhh, Kianyong was so cute, he was so stunned by Brennan and himself that his face was like O_O!!! and he was so happy when he shot one ball in!! Hahahah awwww :D Abel is so funny over there, he encourages me a lot ah, and cheer me on ah (Y) (Y) I LIKE THAT ATTITUDE. He said something like, "OMG EILEEN, SEE, YOU CAN DO IT" okay, something like that :D Hahaha he is a good guy, really. (:

Happy times past so fast, it was already 9.30pm and I have to freaking leave that place alone and it's so fucking scary. BUT I OVERCOME IT ANYWAY. Ohhh about the scary part, stupid Brennan scares me about the dark room that we walked past and say, "dance with the ghost" because we were talking about his haunted room on the bus, and it's still creeping me out. GOSH. -.- Must boys always do this? -.-

I had fun today, although the LAN was so cold, and I was wearing sleeveless and shorts ._. who knows that place will be so cold. The only regret was I didn't get to buy my koi ): But it's okay. I have to honour the promise of quitting bubbletea for 3 weeks.

I wish I could have fun like this everyday, but O level is coming, damn it :_: But it's okay. After O level, party time

"I want to know the truth, but there's a major part of me that's scared of getting my heart broken. You were a good friend of mine, I hope you still do ):"

Decisions

I've made up my mind.

I'll stop looking back, stop looking out for you. I will continue to move forward, for I have not been moving. Even if I am, I kept on looking at the back. I hope I can do it. I know I can't possibly accomplish that in just 2 or 3 days? It takes time. Months.. years?

Somehow, the only way to be happy, to not be affected by the both of you. The only way is to forget you, forget that you exist, to erase you from my life. I once told you it's impossible, but I'm going to try the impossible. Because impossible quotes, "I'm possible". I'm sorry. But thank you for the memories, but one day, it will be all covered and replaced by other memories. Goodbye. Forever. May one day when we grow up, and met each other on the streets, I'll be waving Hello to you, with that brilliant smile on my face (:

Start all over again

There are times when I just want to restart my life all over again.

Stayed, Left

People come and go. Some stay, some leaves. but those who stayed, matters. Those who left, they are just another chapter of your life

I'm sorry

I'm really sorry. I really didn't know those small things affected you. I'm really really sorry.

I hope our friendship can still be salvage. I really cherish that a lot.

I am really really sorry ):

Flunk it

Totally screwed SS up.


Forget it. I'm going to flunk it. ): But it really don't matter, because I'm not the only one who did badly ):

Cherish

A blessing to be loved. Appreciate what you have. Life might just rip everything off one day. But at least you once had it and there were no regrets

Hyper viper

Alright! Today was awesome! I was some hyper kid since morning and I keep laughing non stop and talking to myself during history lesson. Cipto, Joey and Kinsen think I am crazy ._. they keep claiming my Eclipse -.- But in believing, "sharing is caring", I gave hahahah, but not all la. I'm not stupid.

Then comes PE, OKAY, I ADMIT, PE IS ALWAYS THE BEST LESSON THAT I ENJOYED THE MOST. ALTHOUGH THE SUN IS SHINING BRIGHTLY ON ME, MAKING ME SWEAT AND SMELL LIKE SOME WET DOG. BUT IT'S OKAY, I HAD THE MOST FUN AND LAUGHTERS IN PE LESSONS. PEOPLE FALL, SNATCHING BALL, SHOUTING HERE AND THERE. BEST DAY OF MY LIFE <3 Love to play captain's ball with 4A9 :3 hehehe then recess, I didn't eat anything, only 3 packets of Milo. Ok, I know that's crazy, but I have to save money for my macs later on. ); But it was all worth it.

E.Geog was okay. Mrs Poh didn't ask about homework, I was so relieved. Karl got fooled that Jocelyn and me are quarrelling and he "._., -.-" hahahaha U GOT PWN. We had a debate on whether "genetically modified food is good for people" and debating with Jessi and Lauren was so hilarious. Lauren and Jessi will just continue shouting and screaming over whose right. Hahahah so funny. Well, my day today is really full of laughters and smiles and I really hope everyday is like this.

After school, I didn't know Sepak Takraw is so fun. I played with Haikel, Fahim, Kianyong, Abel, Veronica, Gabriel, Alex, and ASHLEY. LOL, I don't know why, he just joined. -.- wtf. damn awkward and damn sarcastic. I cannot take it UGH. sorry, but ya, he is unbearable sometimes.. I went to mac early to wait for Jessi as Zhihong is very scared of Mr Sala about skipping DNT. Hahaha funny when they are like escaping like, "OMG, SALA SAW US, SHIT TOMORROW LAGI LA" Hahahaha so funny. Oh, one more thing, Abel lost his foot when he is trying to do some kick and he fell hard, OUCH. But made us all laugh. hahahaha I can say I'm glad the two schools merge. Our class are really bonding well. That's a very relief thought during the last year!! (:

I ate freaking one set of mcwings, two ice cream cones and one strawberry sundae ): omg. and Alex was like, "Fat" _|_ ughh Alex..... Always give me this -_- look, ARE YOU HALF DEAD BECAUSE OUR PLANET EARTH CAN'T PROVIDE YOU THE OXYGEN THAT YOU NEED? AWWW SAD. ): AND HAHAHA he said, "Walao, you like ninjia, cannot see you" cause I tickled him, and he's so freaking scared. Now, I know what to attack him when he scold me "short" 8) evil girl I am 8)

Okay, tomorrow is SS timed practice and I haven't even memorised my essays yet. Shall focus on my theme 3, all time favourite 8) But I'm procrastinating. I want to watch Harry Potter. ): Omg. My emma watson ):

Tomorrow is a brand new day. It will be full of smiles and laughters. I ain't letting anybody to bring me down

“I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.”

-eletheowl

all time favourite tumblr

BENEFITS OF TUMBLR FUMBLE

I shall turn this blog into tumblr paradise soon ^_^ BRACE YOURSELF

AND TOMORROW'S HARRY POTTER. BUT I HAVE NO MONEY TO WATCH, SO I'M LIKE...

Addiction

Okay, holy shit. I think I am the only one whose posting 5 posts in one single fucking day. I think I'm too addicted already, too addicted till I neglect my tumblr );

I'm sorry tumblr. I've let you down.

HOWEVER, I think I shall continue letting out my anger, sadness, whatever shit I can throw here. While tumblr, I shall post quotes, sincerely from muah. But nobody's gonna see this blog. So it's kinda okay if I really spam my blog. I'm gonna keep this blog alive.


YEEESSSS, ALIVE

E.Geog madness

Okay, I totally dread that there's going to be E.geog tomorrow. I mean, it's like so weird. There is always only 1 period of elective humanities and now, there's two? I just can't adapt suddenly, although my power of adaption is really good (: (no kidding)

Well, I lost one worksheet which is supposed to be hand up by today ._. I lost it but it's okay. I have Lauren to pei me :3 hehehe. Okay, I am getting fatter as I have been eating non stop. I can never ever stop eating with Jessi, Lauren around me. They just seem like a giant food magnet that always attracts food to me. Especially snow ice and bubble tea. But I made a promise to quit bubbletea for 3 weeks before continuing. I smell diabetes coming to me though *sniff sniff*

Okay, I shall prepare myself for SS timed-practice soon, but I am really really lazy ): Gonna fail. ): but sigh. O level such a bore..

Hmmm, I don't know why. I got so annoyed when you message a person, and that person didn't even reply you. It's like giving you the impression of "Irritating", "annoying", "I don't want to talk to you" But for Iphone problems, it's like, "You sent me a message today!??!?!" Iphone 4 dysfunction -.- Ugh. Annoying. I swear I'm not going to text Brennan or Alex again LOL. just saying (: Once you text them, the replies either makes you go "hahahahahahahahahahahahaha wtf hahahahahahaa" or "whatever bugger. What kind of reply is this"

SO YA -.- but the second scenario? Only happens on Brennan. Idk why. WHY BRENNAN WHY?

Todayyyy

Okay, today was quite fun actually. Apart from the moody part of me being some emo kid, but I am okay afterall. Thanks to Jocelyn, lauren, Jessi ^_^ They are the best of the best man <3 lessons were okay today except Bio, where somebody is being so bitchy about everything -.- and even skipped the freaking biology lesson. English lessons were okay? Well, I got selected as the first person to do English conversation thing, and got screwed over. Alex keep giving me the -_- face, that mean alien. But hahaha he's nice to talk to :D very funny too!!

I'm glad my bond with my classmates strengthened after the camp and outings etc etc. They really showed me that they are always there to make me laugh (: I love you guys.

4A9 foreva. xoxo

Sucks to be me

You know that feeling? That feeling of sadness and frustration on why are you feeling this way? You thought you're already over it, already moving on. But who knows? Just two people, doing what they should be doing, is affecting your mood, your life, your heart. I dont know why I got so emotional these days, I just cant help it.

I'm tired of going to school, feeling so tired and mind-wrecking that this feeling will come back again. I'm sick of crying in school again. I really really just want to live my last year in school to the fullest.

Is it so hard?

Blind myself

Clear my mind and eyes, to get rid of things and people that I never want to see. Things and people that bring me down

I just wanna stay at home and cry

So...

People have been commenting and "mocking" my moustache or my eyebrow or whatsoever. Okay, thanks man. That's so pulling up my esteem. Spare a thought for a girl can? I have feelings too.

Do you think I want moustache? I was born this way.
Do you think I want this kind of eyebrow? I have that fucking bad habit of plucking it?
Well, the truth is out if you ever want to know what happened to my balding eyebrow.. :) Well, whatever man. Judge me if you want to. I don't give a fucking damn. (although I know my self esteem had been destroyed, but it really doesn't matter anymore)

Happy now? I'm a total freak. Total weirdo. I'm not even acting like a girl. LOL.

But FUCK IT. I AM WHO I AM.

@_@

I don't know why.. I visited his blog which is probably dead. Already. Well, I saw how frequently we fought. Over small things. This is kinda stupid huh? Maybe both of us is just too sensitive, that we can't give what we need.

He said, "Maybe just showing a smile is better than expressing how you feel and make someone sad. Seeing someone sad hurts more"

Yes I agree. But if I do that, if I just faked a smile, without telling you anything. Will you understand? You'll just say I don't trust you in telling you my things. Wasn't I suppose to be MYSELF, expressing WHAT I REALLY FEEL when I'm with you? And that you can handle me at my worse? But it clearly show last time that you already can't handle me at my worse. I'm sorry. I should have decipher that meaning earlier. But I never regret.

I guess, we are meant to fall in love, but never meant to be together. Thanks for the memories. (ok fuck this. why am I repeating) and thanks for teaching me a lesson that I really deserve someone who can handle me at my worst. Thanks for letting me know that the ME that you want me to be, is perfect. But I am not. I'm sorry. No, I shouldn't apologise. I shouldn't apologise for being real. For being myself.

All that you are

"I break down even though I'm still strong,
And time, will make fools of us all,
Builds us up, and then laughs when we fall"

All that you are - Goo Goo Dolls

Strong wall shakes, but never collapse

I may cry, I may break down so much. But my walls never collapse. It shakes, but never will it break.

Okay, I really can't hold it longer, then I have to cry like some pathetic girl. ._. I'm so tired of that. tired of feeling like this. I have to stop this. This can't go any longer. I can't let them ruin my life. I can't. They have no rights to.

But what choice do I have? He was someone. Till now, he is still someone, to me. But I guess things change, and what I can do is just move on. I tried so hard. So hard.... maybe nobody can understand.. They'll just tell me to cheer up and let go. It's not that easy when someone you love so much, leaves you for another one. You just feel that you're never good enough. Your love is never enough. You broke down inside, yet put up a strong front. I thought I was okay. I thought I can do this. I was wrong. I need more time.

Damn it, Eileen Poh. Why are you like this? You are given strength, use that strength. Don't put up a strong front, be strong inside out. That's the Eileen Poh that I've been waiting.

I just want to be happy. Is it that hard?

Unspoken

I have secrets that I don't dare to tell anyone, for fear they judge. This world is so judgemental. It's so hard to get acceptance nowadays. There might be people who do, but they are rare.

So rare....

Emotional Roller Coaster

Hello people :) Today was awesome, well, until that part where I got back to school again.

Today, for English, was pretty much sleepy. -.- I nearly fell asleep, and tons of English homework is waiting for me. 5 summary, screw it. Oh I still got SS SBQ and maths, hmm, well I don't care. But if I continue to do this, I will fail my O level -.- Sigh. But sorry, the temptation of fun is too irresistable. Okay, for poly plans, I have plans to go for DPA, but the deadline is tomorrow and I still don't know how to apply. Should I? Mr Tan said that CCA may not be what they want or what they look for during DPA. _|_ bye, hope. But well, keep hoping man!! Don't fucking give up. Eileen poh better work your ass out. -.-

Well, after school, went with Jessi and mum to PP to buy Jessi's brother's cake! Well today is desmond's birthday!! Happy Birthday Desmond!! Wish you all the best!! :D (although you call me immature, warao) Hehehe. Ok, bought share tea and nacho cheese bread from Breadtalk, freaking $1.10, Cheap cheap $_$ I went back to school to deliver Lauren's sharetea, (I'm such a kind soul). I thought we were suppose to go home, but she wants to go to the canteen. Then, when I reach the canteen, I can't believe what I saw. I saw them. Well, that really brings my happy mood down to the abyss, never to be climbing up to see the light. But ok, Lauren did cheered me up, along with Veronice and Haikel. But I don't know why. Whenever I see them together, my mood just go, "ohhh fuck this. I'm having moodswing". AGAIN. YES. AGAIN. Fucking hell. I hate this. Why must they affect me when I don't affect them at all? Why must I give a fuck when they are just enjoying themselves? Fucking hell. I promised myself not to let my ego or whatsoever take over me, but too bad, I failed. I need to try again. I can't let the two suckers bring me down forever. I'm awesome, remember? Hahaha, Lauren cheered me up using her multi-language accent mimicking. Well, her Indian's accent is (Y). Made me nearly puke my bubbletea out -.-

After they left, I began to meditate in my own pool of thoughts. I pictured them together, walking, laughing, smiling, drowning in blissfulness, holding hands, hugging, kissing (?) LOL, ermm, whatever normal couples do. Well, I pictured them in a paper/photograph. I crushed it, and throw it in the bin. I have to collate everything together, remember everything, and let it go all at once. - Karl. LOL. Hahaha but well, that works somehow. I guess I have to clear my fucking mind. It's so messy right now. Listening to other people's love stories, sad stories, I am somehow glad, somehow sad. Glad because I don't feel that sadness, that heart-broken feeling. Envy cause all my friends just found their happiness, and I am there, FOREVER ALONE. Hahahaha, joking, I got my friends and family. Thank god I have them. If not, I don't know what to do without them.

Sigh, I think I just have to complete my 5 summary and SS SBQ, if not I am dead meat. I don't know where i put my e.geog worksheet damn shit. damn shit. damn this shit I am dead. Dead foreva.

"tomorrow, I have to face them again. Don't have that feeling of anger, don't be upset. You're already being replaced. Forget his words, Forget his love. Forget their existence. Live your life. Love who loves you. That's all that matters" I have to tell myself that everyday I see them or wake up. But I know I will forget about that. But okay. Just have to keep my head up and walk with a smile. LIKE A BOSS

buaibuai

What can I say?

I LOVE MUAH BLOG <3 

but on second thought, my tumblr is still my favourite. AWW I'M SO SORRY


Peace out xoxo

Big turn-around

2011, I can say.. it's quite a big turn for me. I've changed into someone whom I am always trying to find. The "me" that I am always trying to figure out. I may not figure out fully yet, but somehow, I will. One day. Just wait (:

This year was hectic. Stuck in between competition, studies, heartbreaks. This year is quite painful actually. Almost crying everyday in school? That sucks. Really sucks. But it sucks more when you know your hopes are crashed by someone who you thought will never do. Life's a bitch seriously. Oh yes, I got a new hater, proudly to say, Ashley Ee Zi Sheng, who keep picking on me on twitter? I don't know whether he is, but my intuition just tells me that. Well, I am some fool to give a damn, but orly ah pathetic boy, I don't anymore (: So, stop giving me that "Bitch, you're such a fucking loser. You deserve to be let down" look. Oh know what? I. DON'T. GIVE. A. DAMN. Ahhh, i'm such a happy girl 1995. OHHHHHH talking about turns, there's one time my efforts are all wasted, all thanks to myself giving that stupid thank-you letter -.- Should I known I knew this was happening to me, I won't give, and he won't call me, and I won't waver like a jelly. Warao. this just ruin my mood for sports carnival, constantly trying to look out for him, knowing where he is, and seeing whether he is looking at me playing or not. Sigh. What's wrong with you, Eileen Poh? Wake up. WAKE UP.

Okay, enough of sad stuffs!! Happy stuffs are here. After April 26, that horrible, mind-fucked day. I found myself back, congrats Eileen Poh (: I got closer to friends whom I thought will always be far far away at Shrek's castle. (that's lame, but gosh, you gotta be fun, and I know I am :D) Hahahaha, I got closer to my classmates after the achiever's camp and thanks to Mr sunir, we got a lot of class outings with girls and boys and OMGGGG my first planned BBQ WAS A FREAKING SUCCESS. OMG. HOLY. *kneel down and worship myself* hehehehe, I'm such a happy girl (: But I also need to thank to those who co-operated with me, except that brennan varella chang. I don't know why. I LIKE TO DISTURB HIM CAUSE HE IS SO BUGGER-ISH, that I really need to change his name in my contact to "Bugger Koala" Don't thank me Brennan (:

I have been eating a lot these few days T_T I gained 2 kg. MY GOSH. MY GOSH. Had buffet yesterday with Karl, Brennan and Kenneth Koh. Epic moments ahhhh. Reading at brennan's previous blog posts can really make you ROFL. Well, I read all of his previous posts and I'm laughing to myself like an idiot, which make my sister think, "Jie, you siao ah?" -.- Thanks so much. But somehow, that really cheers me up hell a lot.

Sigh, I still stuck with English convo shit and some 2 SS essays. That's it. I shall do one today, and one tomorrow. Efficient girl I am 8)

ciao

back to blogging

Well, Brennan Varella Chang Marc that mushroom fan tell me to start blogging again. I don't know why I do that although I got a tumblr already. You better be thankful (:


Okay, well. School was awesome? I don't know. I felt so shag and tired, I don't know why. Fucking hell. I keep looking back during morning assembly, for him. I don't know why. But sometimes, it's time to stop. Lessons were okay. Except English. Miss Fud insulted Twilight and Edward Cullen -.- HATE HER TTM. Who is she to criticise my darling. But it's quite fun, cause I was texting Alex and disturbing him with his alien stuffs 8) hahahaha BEST DAY. Talking to him is funny, and annoying. But the funny part weighs more. Alex, be honoured 8) Well, everything except the first part of school,  was awesome, the shaved ice, and every other things. I just love my friends so much <3 They always make my day :D Hehehe. SS homework is such a shag -.- I hate to do essay and SBQ. Ok, overall, I just hate to do SS homework. -.- But I have to, for an A1. Pray pray pray.


Okay, I shall have koi/share tea/gong cha this week 8) Can't promise lauren ): aww sorry babe ); I love you okay.

Okay, pictures :D

Why is every girl in my class so pretty T_T Self esteem -1500000. Well, I think if I continue blogging, I might have to skip recess tomorrow to do my damn SS essay. T_T KILL ME OK LIFE.